Welp

Apr. 3rd, 2016 02:00 am
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So, I wound up going, and even though I did puke pretty much as soon as I got home, I’m pretty sure that was mostly motion sickness from Grandpa getting lost on the way back.  My brother was kind of an ass, in the way that he’s always an ass, and kept handing out drinks to everyone while reminding me that I’m sick and I can’t.  Which is actually not even an assholish thing, in the greater realm of asshole behaviour.  It’s just his way of acknowledging that I’m sick and his 70/30 mixes of rum and coke would kill me.

Actually, though, the highlight of the party was my aunt bringing her new fella around.  Because I do enjoy few things more than watching the new guy sit there going “wtf is going on” while everyone calls each other names and fling sinsults and brings empty cups of coffee when coffee has been requested.  That Minions movie was on, and there’s a character in a pinstripe suit who’s about eight feet tall and has a massive nose.  Every time he showed up, Grandma said, “Look, Terry’s on TV again!”  And then Terry (my brother) would shout from another room to quit obsessing over him and find someone else to get a crush on.  At one point, I’d grabbed a couple of Doritos, not realising they were spicy nacho.  I took a small bite of one, and when I decided I didn’t want them, I was about to fob them off to someone else, but Grandma stole them right out of my hand instead.  I didn’t want them anyway, so I just sat down quietly while she gloated and ate her stolen chips, and then had a good laugh at the moment she realised they weren’t plain nacho cheese.  Something nobody else noticed, until Grandma got up and announced that she had to go to the bathroom to “blow her asshole out.”  An hour later, she was still complaining at how easily I’d given up the chips, and that she should have realised.

And this is just… our normal?  But the poor new boyfriend was just sitting there trying to keep quiet, and not sure if he was allowed to laugh.  At one point, Grandma had mentioned that she stayed up past midnight last night watching TV, and my mum told her to quit watching so much porn.  “No, it was a western or something!”  Which just turned into assless chaps and cowboy fetish.  And the poor dude just had no idea what to do with any of this.  So that right there was kind of worth getting out of bed for.

And then on the way home, Grandpa just completely drove past the freeway.  So we went on this long adventure, trying to find it again, because there was nowhere to turn around.  At one point, we drove over the freeway, so he figured it must just be the next right turn.  And then we drove under the freeway, and wound up completely losing it all together until I finally asked Siri to save our asses.  Up until that point, I’d just been using him to beatbox to my Grandma, which she seemed to enjoy.

But I’m home now.  And seeing what the kiddo got gave me a good idea of what to get her.  A trumpet, surely.  And probably a ball of some sort, since she likes those.  The trumpet, because I’ve already got her a drum, some cymbals, and a piano.  She can start her own Big Band at this point, and my brother can deal.  But now I’m totally done.  I’ve been sick, and feel a bit better now.  I’m probably going to go read or something.

Crossposted from WordPress. http://ift.tt/1Ts6KUd

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